August 2009
I'd just returned from France and decided to show my mother how Google translator worked with one of the Frog's french emails. I picked one of the shorter letters, which, at first glance, appeared "correct." Unfortunately, I didn't look at the last line. I'm here to share my misfortune with you.
Lucky you.
My love,
I am very honored to be an inspiration to you and I must say I am very touched – especially in your will for me to be the first to read your chapters. It isn't difficult for you to conduct two parallel stories? As for me, am I a bad boy or a gay? Not the second, please!!? How much did you write last night, my heart? This morning during breakfast I really thought about you. We have today and tomorrow and I'm wild with joy to have you with me ... it is the conclusion.
Lots of Love for my little darling, my naughty little slut.
(Plein d'Amour pour ma petite cherie, ma petite cochonne)
MOM: Why in the world is he calling you a slut???
***after I picked my jaw off the floor, I responded***
ME: What? (must. think. quickly.) No, no, nooooo he's not calling me a slut. Ma petite cochonne means my little pig. (which it does. okay, there is a sexual innuendo when you call a woman a little pig, but more like greedy – it isn't a literal translation to slut).
***she didn't look quite convinced***
MOM: Well, why is he calling you a little pig?
***I should have oinked***
ME: I think it's a term of endearment...
MOM: Then you should call him gros cochon. (big pig)
Jean-Luc's email Response:
Re: Whoops
Aie! Aie! Aie! Mon amour adore!
Do you want your mum to kill me!!!? Of course, "ma petite cochonne" is definitely not a slang expression, c'est affectueux. I can imagine the Google translation – "naughty slut" – and how with this word your mother's hair probably stood on her head. Could you imagine if she would tell that to your father? It'd be more dramatic for me than Ben Stiller with Robert de Niro. Have you got a cat that pees into toilets and uses the flush?
Love your man, your everything you need...forever
(as long as your mother reads "correct" letters)
Random Notes: Did you know a pig's orgasm lasts thirty minutes? Who here wants to come back as a pig in their next life?
